By Barbara Habe Cukjati
“When you trust your gut, you know what to do”. This is my healing journey of learning to trust my gut and act from my feminine power. Here is an example.
We had a decision to make; whether to keep our son in his current school, or move him to another school. We were trying to figure out what would be best for him, while keeping the whole family as a unit in mind. So best for him and best for the family.
After going through the pros and cons with his current school administration, the counsellor said, “you will just need to trust your gut”.
My initial thought was I wish I knew the answer in the core of my being to trust my gut. But I did not. Why? Because I was still being influenced by old evidence from when I had an untreated root canal infection that initially showed up in my blood checkup with low B12 and iron levels, and bacterial irregularities in the gut. This tooth issue had not shown up at a dental checkup, until one day, I was on a spiritual workshop, and in the evening my tooth chipped off. This led me to see an integrative doctor, she put me on supplements, but we obviously wanted to find the cause of the issue.
Three x-rays later, the infection and inflammation were evident, not least it was affecting my gut and the absorption of nutrients. I am not a doctor, so please if you are, forgive me if I have used a wrong expression for something, but that was the gist of the situation as I understood it.
I felt my usual ease to make quick decisions was gone. I became anxious. I did not feel clear in my mind. Eventually the cause of inflammation was reduced enough to remove the tooth. At the time, I realized I was relying more on outside support, rather than my inner guidance. The self-discipline which I had always needed was now more external just to keep me going.
In terms of nutrition, I was still doing my best with the guidance of the integrative doctor. And with a B12 deficiency, I also started to eat meat, thinking that would help. My constant thought was hmm what happened to me? I was not the same person as I was when I was setting up my coaching company; then I was driven, confident, and centered. Now I was experiencing waves of emotions; sadness and disappointment, then impatient and non-compassionate to myself.
So, I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time: I ate healthy nutrition, I exercised and took walks in nature, doing things that gave me energy like singing and painting, having talks with friends and keeping my coaching business at a manageable level, while running a household with all the usual commitments: pick-ups and drop offs, while my husband’s business frequently took him on his travels.
My third intelligence center, the action, the gut, was slow, and not as sharp to responses as I would have liked it to be. I also tried to meditate and do sound healing for the root chakra.
I tried to regularly connect with my feelings, I did my inner balance breathwork daily, I moved towards what Dr Margaret Paul calls a diet for a divine connection, yet I still felt mellow and undecisive.
To the external world I was quite healthy, but internally, I still felt insecure, lacking clarity, and confidence. Then lockdown happened in April 2020 here in South Africa, which resulted in my husband not traveling. Home schooling began, and keeping the household going brought an added stress for me that manifested as an allergy; I had a rash under my eyes.
I thought it was coffee because in the past my body indicated I had an allergy to caffeine. However, cutting coffee from my diet did not help. This led me to a biofeedback practitioner. Her worked showed that I needed to cut out olive oil, sunflower oil, butter, avocados, wine… and forth. I had a list of foods to avoid, which I followed until the allergy eventually cleared. Did I feel great and full of energy? Well, I felt much better and at times yes, I had more energy.
At the beginning of 2021 I asked for guidance around my professional development. Considering my path in coaching has increasingly guided me in a holistic direction, I wanted to know where I could officially gain the best knowledge base for developing that.
The IAPC&M pointed me in the direction of the Hippocrates Health Institute since they had recently accredited one of their online programs. I am now going through their program and exploring the guidelines regarding living food nutrition, revisiting beliefs, and emotions, and applying these lifestyle practices. I am doing this with much more self-kindness too.
I am drinking regular green juices. I am growing sprouts. I am making and eating food that matters to me. I avoid the temptation of convenience foods or buying spontaneously on the way home, or I would end up non-aligned with my discipline. Finally, I have chosen the intention to just feel good. I would never have imagined that my journey would bring me to learn about better food planning, manage my temptation for convenience, or paying more attention to subtleties, all the while allowing myself to make mistakes and to learn how to accept being different, yet remain part of the family unit.
I have still some ways to go on the path of transformation, but I am feeling I am in the process of stepping in my feminine power. Currently I am practicing a song Hear My Voice. My feelings have changed from fixing the not good enough to excitement of the unfolding reality.
With the new focus on self-care and self-kindness, there is an opening to self-actualization that I feel it is taking place and finally allowing the manifestation and trust that is becoming supported with clarity.
Resources and practices I find particularly supportive on this path now include:
- Hippocrates online lifestyle program
- Yoga practice with Yoga international
- Daily walk in nature with my dog
- Paying attention to my feelings and whenever I feel resentment, find place to acknowledge it, and put in more honest expression (practice that I have taken on based from a book Getting Real, S. Campbell)
- Singing with Chloe Goodchild and practicing Octave of consciousness and singing at School of rock
- Daily meditations with Craig Hamilton program The awakened life with combination of Dr. Margaret Paul, process of Inner bonding
- Evening practice with Heartmath inner balance
- Noticing pathways of growth through Enneagram
- Playing pillow fights and lots of hugs with my kids, journey of embracing diversity and nonjudgement.
- Connecting with my husband on a more honest level of respecting each other and giving each other freedom
- Listened to a great podcast from Brene Brown on the book What happened to you with Oprah Winfrey and dr. Perry
- Listened to Tara Brach and the materials on her new coming book Trusting the gold
- Meaningful conversations with my friends and clients.